Rhinocrates
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A very Australian safety PSA.
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw&ab_channel=DumbWays2Die
This is hilariously funny...
- Thread starter Michel Van
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Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway.
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Texans Forced To Cut Open Cattle With Lightsabers And Climb Inside For Warmth
HOUSTON, TX—Texans are struggling to keep warm amid a cold snap that has brought arctic temperatures to the region. Left with no other options, many Texans are being forced to cut open cattle with lightsabers and crawl inside to stay warm.
babylonbee.com
Attachments
The tramway in Bordeaux suffers from the same major problem - dumb peoples dying, either crushed by it, or having their cars colliding with it.
(I once saw a Mercedes turned the shape of a banana after colliding with the tramway. You could see the tramway curved shape neatly printed into the car side).
They tried the same approach but the dumb, naive way. Maybe somebody should show them that little gem...
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Translation :
- back from Le Bourget Airshow, he told me it was the first time he went into a simulator... I assured him it wasn't the case.
- He still don't get it !
- what a dumb !
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SeaslugMk2
'Curator' of the Seaslug website.
I'm happy to say that the laws of aerodynamics do permit bumble bees to fly (much, I am sure, to their relief) as the person who made this assertion incorrectly measured the bees' wing beats. The bees wings beat at twice the speed of his estimate.
Simples.
SRJ.
Mary Kay Ash (May 12, 1918 – November 22, 2001) was an American businesswoman and founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, Inc. At her death, her personal fortune was $98 million.
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T. A. Gardner
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You should go to the source for all things Engrish...
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mean time in Heaven
Translation
did I have the patio heater on all the time?
Translation
did I have the patio heater on all the time?
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It's so Stupid it hurts
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I think my brain has suffered a bit of a dislocation...
I guess some of their officers lighted... a cigarette in retaliation?
Turkey says Greek jets harass research vessel over Aegean Sea
Turkey said on Tuesday that four Greek jets harassed a Turkish research vessel in the Aegean Sea but Athens denied the accusation, which comes as the two NATO members seek to resume talks over maritime disputes.
Oh geez I've found that old gem from the (much regretted) "Les Guignols de l'info" (= France Spitting image, thanks GB for the inspiration !)
The year is 1995, Chirac is now president. His first decision ? start again underground atomic testing in French Polynesia (stopped by Mitterrand in 1992).
So Chirac gets the nuclear football and... the rest is history. You don't really need to understand French to get the joke. Wait until the last seconds, and you shall see (well frack the video title tells it all if you know your classics - doesn't matter)
View: https://twitter.com/i/status/1031369144699179008
"Oh putain ! ALAAAAAAIN ! "
The year is 1995, Chirac is now president. His first decision ? start again underground atomic testing in French Polynesia (stopped by Mitterrand in 1992).
So Chirac gets the nuclear football and... the rest is history. You don't really need to understand French to get the joke. Wait until the last seconds, and you shall see (well frack the video title tells it all if you know your classics - doesn't matter)
View: https://twitter.com/i/status/1031369144699179008
"Oh putain ! ALAAAAAAIN ! "
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tequilashooter
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В России ответили на обвинения в «климатической атаке» на США
Россия ответила на подозрения ЦРУ в причастности к морозам в Техасе<br>Россия не устраивала в США аномальные морозы с помощью «климатического оружия», заявили в Совете по внешней и оборонной политике. Ранее стало известно, что на фоне сильнейших морозов и бытового коллапса в Америке специалисты...
Russia responds to CIA suspicions of involvement in freezing temperatures in Texas
Russia did not arrange abnormal frosts in the United States with the help of "climate weapons", the Council on foreign and defense policy said. Earlier it became known that against the background of severe frosts and domestic collapse in America, CIA specialists tried to find out if "hostile States" could arrange a snow storm and abnormal cold.
Humans cannot change and control the climate, so Russia has nothing to do with abnormal frosts in the United States. This was stated by Alexander Losev, a member of the Presidium of the Council on foreign and defense policy, in response to the suspicions of the Central intelligence Agency (CIA). kp.ru.
Rhinocrates
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Of course Russia didn't do it. Bill Gates did, in concert with the Deep State. Somewhere George Soros is weeping into his cup of boiling sulphur over the fleeting nature of infamy.В России ответили на обвинения в «климатической атаке» на США
Россия ответила на подозрения ЦРУ в причастности к морозам в Техасе<br>Россия не устраивала в США аномальные морозы с помощью «климатического оружия», заявили в Совете по внешней и оборонной политике. Ранее стало известно, что на фоне сильнейших морозов и бытового коллапса в Америке специалисты...z5h64q92x9.net
Russia responds to CIA suspicions of involvement in freezing temperatures in Texas
Really, you have to laugh, or else you'll never stop crying.
TikTok users spread conspiracy that Texas snow was manufactured by the government
Viral videos by TikTok users purportedly in Texas have falsely claimed that the snow from the deadly winter storm that hit the state this month is fake and was created by the U.S. governm…
thehill.com
TikTokers are trying to prove that snow in Texas is 'fake,' pushing a false conspiracy theory
TikTok is full of videos spreading the bogus claim that the snow in Texas is fake and was engineered by the government.
www.insider.com
Something different... my kid school every morning plays a bit of music (1 minute) when they welcome the kids.
Sooo... in January they picked Pink Floyd "the wall" an excerpt
"hey, teachers, leave us kids alone...!"
Yesterday it was Carmina Burana well know chorus, the apocalyptic "O fortuna"
And this morning... "Imperial march". Dark Vador threatening military walk.
By this point I'm left wondering whether the choice of music relates to some kind of cryptic subliminal messages...
"all in all you're just another brick in the wall ; another trooper in the Empire... join the dark side..."
Sooo... in January they picked Pink Floyd "the wall" an excerpt
"hey, teachers, leave us kids alone...!"
Yesterday it was Carmina Burana well know chorus, the apocalyptic "O fortuna"
And this morning... "Imperial march". Dark Vador threatening military walk.
By this point I'm left wondering whether the choice of music relates to some kind of cryptic subliminal messages...
"all in all you're just another brick in the wall ; another trooper in the Empire... join the dark side..."
We don't need an education
We just need a thought control
A Dark Vador in the classroom
Jedis leave them kids alone
Hey! Jedis! Leave them kids alone!
All in all you are just
Another kid in the school
All in all we'll make you
A Dark Vador or Dark Maul...
We just need a thought control
A Dark Vador in the classroom
Jedis leave them kids alone
Hey! Jedis! Leave them kids alone!
All in all you are just
Another kid in the school
All in all we'll make you
A Dark Vador or Dark Maul...
Hope the kids are well awake when entering school on the Imperial march...
..."J'ai crevé l'oreiller J'ai dû rêver trop fort"
..."J'ai crevé l'oreiller J'ai dû rêver trop fort"
..."Dieu avait mis un pampers
y a du y avoir des fuites..."
See ? it suits kids
y a du y avoir des fuites..."
See ? it suits kids
tequilashooter
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Here guys have some communist jokes.
Joke 1: Communist jokes are not funny until everyone gets it.
Joke 2: There are 3 driving instructors from the U.S., Soviet Union and China.
U.S. instructor: the right represents capitalism flash your signal, right than turn right.
Soviet instructor: the left represents communism flash your signal left, than turn left.
Chinese instructor: flash your signal left, than turn right.
Joke 3: A man goes shopping at Moscow’s supermarket, mumbling to himself, “There are no eggs, no milk, no bread. no meat.”
Policeman hears this, approaches him and says, ”Comrade, if you keep talking like this I will hit you in the head with my pistol!”
The man replies, “Jesus! We ran out of bullets too?!
Joke 4: In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts, "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe!"
Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.
Stalin asks: “Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe?”
Man replies: “Well of course I meant Hitler!”
Stalin: Very good, comrade, you are free to go.”
Man walks away, Beria tries to do so, but Stalin stops him: “Not so fast, comrade Beria. Tell me, who did you have in mind?”
Joke 5: Two Russians are in line for bread in Moscow. One says, "We've been here for three hours! I can't take it anymore! I'm going to go kill Khrushchev!" and leaves.
After a short while, he comes back, so his friend asks, "What happened?"
The man replies: "The line there is even longer!"
Joke 6: "What nationality were Adam and eve? "
"They had nothing to wear, they shared an apple, and they thought they were in heaven, Soviet of course.
Joke 7: Stalin is visiting the farmlands outside of Leningrad, he visits one such potato farmer, he asks the farmer “comrade, how many potatoes have you produced?”
The farmer responds with “well comrade Stalin, if you stacked them, they would reach god in the sky.”
Stalin replied with “but god does not exist.”
the farmer says “neither do the potatoes comrade stalin.”
Joke 8: Hans, a man from West Germany decides to move at Eastern Berlin. His mother tells him: Hans, my boy. From the first moment that you cross the Iron Fence, you are in dangerous territory. Don't dare to write me that there is something bad in a communist country. In your letters, you will use a blue pen if you are telling me the truth, and red pen if you are lying.
About 2 weeks later, the first letter arrives, and every word is blue.
“My dear mother, The 2 weeks that have passed were enough to make me love the East Germany. The people are great, the system cares about everyone, and generally, there is a very pleasant atmosphere. The only negative is that I can't find red pen anywhere.”
Joke 9: A survey conducted between an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian, "what was the best moment of your life?"
Englishman: " I started my own enterprise and became a millionaire!"
Frenchman: " I had candle light dinner with a beautiful Italian woman on Eiffel Tower."
Russian: "When NKVD broken into my bedroom and screamed Ivan! You're under arrest for conspiracy against the Party! And to which I replied apologies, I am Sergei, Ivan lives next door."
Joke 10: She: "Come over!"
Stalin: "I can't, I'm sending people to gulag!"
She: "My parents aren't home!"
Stalin: "I know!"
Joke 11: An old man walks up to a guard at the Kremlin... "Good day to you comrade, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
"But grandpa, comrade Stalin died long ago!"
The next day, the old man is there again... "Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
The guard, slightly annoyed: "Like I said, comrade Stalin died years ago"
The day after, he´s there again... "Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
The guard, now pissed off... "But I told you Stalin died ages ago, why the hell do you keep asking for him?!"
"´Cause it´s so bloody good to hear! "
Joke 12: General Secretary Brezhnev was returning from East Germany by train, His wife asks "Where are we Leonid?"
Mr Brezhnev put his hand out the train window and says "Still in East Germany."
A while later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?" Hand out the window again. Brezhnev says "Somewhere in Poland."
Even later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?" Hand out the window. "Just pulling into Moscow."
"But Leonid, how could you tell where we were just by putting your hand out the window?"
Brezhnev replied "Easy my dear. In East Germany they kissed my hand. In Poland they spat on it. In Russia they stole my watch."
Joke 13: A thief comes to heaven and saint Peter is saying to him: “I am sorry, but your soul is the hell's property.", though he was sad for the man and whispered to his ear: "After they ask you to choose either socialist or capitalist hell, choose the socialist one."
"why?" asks the man.
"Well, in capitalist hell they put you on a board with nails and drive over you with steam roller, In socialist it is the same, but it's always either nails missing, the roller is broken, lacks fuel or when it looks things are about to happen, the driver of the steam roller is too drunk to even stand." answers Saint Peter.
Joke 1: Communist jokes are not funny until everyone gets it.
Joke 2: There are 3 driving instructors from the U.S., Soviet Union and China.
U.S. instructor: the right represents capitalism flash your signal, right than turn right.
Soviet instructor: the left represents communism flash your signal left, than turn left.
Chinese instructor: flash your signal left, than turn right.
Joke 3: A man goes shopping at Moscow’s supermarket, mumbling to himself, “There are no eggs, no milk, no bread. no meat.”
Policeman hears this, approaches him and says, ”Comrade, if you keep talking like this I will hit you in the head with my pistol!”
The man replies, “Jesus! We ran out of bullets too?!
Joke 4: In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts, "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe!"
Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.
Stalin asks: “Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe?”
Man replies: “Well of course I meant Hitler!”
Stalin: Very good, comrade, you are free to go.”
Man walks away, Beria tries to do so, but Stalin stops him: “Not so fast, comrade Beria. Tell me, who did you have in mind?”
Joke 5: Two Russians are in line for bread in Moscow. One says, "We've been here for three hours! I can't take it anymore! I'm going to go kill Khrushchev!" and leaves.
After a short while, he comes back, so his friend asks, "What happened?"
The man replies: "The line there is even longer!"
Joke 6: "What nationality were Adam and eve? "
"They had nothing to wear, they shared an apple, and they thought they were in heaven, Soviet of course.
Joke 7: Stalin is visiting the farmlands outside of Leningrad, he visits one such potato farmer, he asks the farmer “comrade, how many potatoes have you produced?”
The farmer responds with “well comrade Stalin, if you stacked them, they would reach god in the sky.”
Stalin replied with “but god does not exist.”
the farmer says “neither do the potatoes comrade stalin.”
Joke 8: Hans, a man from West Germany decides to move at Eastern Berlin. His mother tells him: Hans, my boy. From the first moment that you cross the Iron Fence, you are in dangerous territory. Don't dare to write me that there is something bad in a communist country. In your letters, you will use a blue pen if you are telling me the truth, and red pen if you are lying.
About 2 weeks later, the first letter arrives, and every word is blue.
“My dear mother, The 2 weeks that have passed were enough to make me love the East Germany. The people are great, the system cares about everyone, and generally, there is a very pleasant atmosphere. The only negative is that I can't find red pen anywhere.”
Joke 9: A survey conducted between an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian, "what was the best moment of your life?"
Englishman: " I started my own enterprise and became a millionaire!"
Frenchman: " I had candle light dinner with a beautiful Italian woman on Eiffel Tower."
Russian: "When NKVD broken into my bedroom and screamed Ivan! You're under arrest for conspiracy against the Party! And to which I replied apologies, I am Sergei, Ivan lives next door."
Joke 10: She: "Come over!"
Stalin: "I can't, I'm sending people to gulag!"
She: "My parents aren't home!"
Stalin: "I know!"
Joke 11: An old man walks up to a guard at the Kremlin... "Good day to you comrade, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
"But grandpa, comrade Stalin died long ago!"
The next day, the old man is there again... "Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
The guard, slightly annoyed: "Like I said, comrade Stalin died years ago"
The day after, he´s there again... "Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin"
The guard, now pissed off... "But I told you Stalin died ages ago, why the hell do you keep asking for him?!"
"´Cause it´s so bloody good to hear! "
Joke 12: General Secretary Brezhnev was returning from East Germany by train, His wife asks "Where are we Leonid?"
Mr Brezhnev put his hand out the train window and says "Still in East Germany."
A while later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?" Hand out the window again. Brezhnev says "Somewhere in Poland."
Even later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?" Hand out the window. "Just pulling into Moscow."
"But Leonid, how could you tell where we were just by putting your hand out the window?"
Brezhnev replied "Easy my dear. In East Germany they kissed my hand. In Poland they spat on it. In Russia they stole my watch."
Joke 13: A thief comes to heaven and saint Peter is saying to him: “I am sorry, but your soul is the hell's property.", though he was sad for the man and whispered to his ear: "After they ask you to choose either socialist or capitalist hell, choose the socialist one."
"why?" asks the man.
"Well, in capitalist hell they put you on a board with nails and drive over you with steam roller, In socialist it is the same, but it's always either nails missing, the roller is broken, lacks fuel or when it looks things are about to happen, the driver of the steam roller is too drunk to even stand." answers Saint Peter.
In 1955 the conscripts send digging the steppes to build Tyuratam Baikonur space lauch complex called the place "tiurma tam" which mean something like "it's like a jail there".
VINCENT AURIOL
VOILA UN CRETIN
IL COURT EN VAIN
Exact same letters. Vincent Auriol was France president in 1946.
"voila un cretin" = "here come an idiot"
"il court en vain" = "he runs for nothing"
Laurent Fabius (Mitterrand PM who ordered blowing the Rainbow Warrior in Auckland in 1985)
LAURENT FABIUS
NATUREL ABUSIF (abusive nature !)
VINCENT AURIOL
VOILA UN CRETIN
IL COURT EN VAIN
Exact same letters. Vincent Auriol was France president in 1946.
"voila un cretin" = "here come an idiot"
"il court en vain" = "he runs for nothing"
Laurent Fabius (Mitterrand PM who ordered blowing the Rainbow Warrior in Auckland in 1985)
LAURENT FABIUS
NATUREL ABUSIF (abusive nature !)
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A Polish friend told be that one long ago (commie time) :
In a school in Poland , the teacher ask one of the class kid to name some countries friendly to Poland
- Sure Ma'am, you have Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, China.
- Good Janusz, but you have forgotten the most important and friendly , the USSR ...
- But Ma'am, you said friendly, USSR is even more than that, it's our brother country !
- Well Ok, that don't makes much of a difference ...
- Excuse-me Ma'am, it does. You can choose your friends, but not your family.
In a school in Poland , the teacher ask one of the class kid to name some countries friendly to Poland
- Sure Ma'am, you have Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, China.
- Good Janusz, but you have forgotten the most important and friendly , the USSR ...
- But Ma'am, you said friendly, USSR is even more than that, it's our brother country !
- Well Ok, that don't makes much of a difference ...
- Excuse-me Ma'am, it does. You can choose your friends, but not your family.
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Translation
YOU LET COFFEE BAG OPEN AGAIN !!!
NO REASON TO SCREAM !!!
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Reminds me of that joke...
------------------
In an asylum the Director and Deputy directoring are speaking quietly while watching the loons.
They come in a peculiar wing of the asylum and the deputy says
"This is the weirdest part of the asylum. In that room we parked all the poor souls believing they are Napoleon Bonaparte." he opens the door and surely enough, all the guy there are mimicking the late French Emperor.
The Deputy says "Can you believe that ? in that asylum, so many people strongly believing, they are Napoleon ?"
The Director concurs. "Surely, they are crazy. It is very obvious, to anyone..." he makes a brief and pause. "... THAT I AM THE REAL NAPOLEON, THE ONE AND ONLY."
-------------------
In another asylum, one loon is found attached to a room ceiling.
"What's going here ?"
"Well that guy thinks he is a lightbulb."
"Yeah, sure. Somebody gets a scale and brings me this guy to the solid ground."
"But, Director... if we do that..."
"What ?"
"The room will get dark !"
-----------------------
Another asylum, another day.
One loon is seen pushing a wheelbarrow, except it is upside down.
"Hey you fool, you realize it is upside down ?"
"I'm no fool ! Yesterday, I pushed it the right way, and some moron put stones and concrete on it !"
-----------------------
A new entrant has to pass psychological tests to see his degree of craziness. He is asked to draw the first thing he can think off.
He give back a clean sheet of paper.
"We asked you to draw something. I can't see anything on this sheet !" The guy don't hesitate for a second.
"Well, let me tell you two things.
First, I drawn a knife without a handle that is missing a blade. Secondly, you are holding my picture upside down."
-------------------------
A psychiatrist has been trying to cure, for twenty years, a man with a weird mental disorder. That poor man thought he was a corn kernel. and on and on it went, for twenty years.
And then one day, completely out of the blue... "Doctor... I'm not a corn kernel. I'm a human being !"
The good doctor nearly falls from his chair.
"God damn it, you did it after all those years ! Congrats, you are cured ! Have a good life !"
The guy goes away, happy like never before.
1 hour later. Phone call "Doctor, doctor, please help me !"
"what ?
"There is a hen near my home...
"What, don't forget: you are NOT a corn kernel ! You are a human being, and you know it ! You said it to me !"
"Yes, doctor but... does the hen realizes and knows, I'm not a corn kernel ?"
----------
------------------
In an asylum the Director and Deputy directoring are speaking quietly while watching the loons.
They come in a peculiar wing of the asylum and the deputy says
"This is the weirdest part of the asylum. In that room we parked all the poor souls believing they are Napoleon Bonaparte." he opens the door and surely enough, all the guy there are mimicking the late French Emperor.
The Deputy says "Can you believe that ? in that asylum, so many people strongly believing, they are Napoleon ?"
The Director concurs. "Surely, they are crazy. It is very obvious, to anyone..." he makes a brief and pause. "... THAT I AM THE REAL NAPOLEON, THE ONE AND ONLY."
-------------------
In another asylum, one loon is found attached to a room ceiling.
"What's going here ?"
"Well that guy thinks he is a lightbulb."
"Yeah, sure. Somebody gets a scale and brings me this guy to the solid ground."
"But, Director... if we do that..."
"What ?"
"The room will get dark !"
-----------------------
Another asylum, another day.
One loon is seen pushing a wheelbarrow, except it is upside down.
"Hey you fool, you realize it is upside down ?"
"I'm no fool ! Yesterday, I pushed it the right way, and some moron put stones and concrete on it !"
-----------------------
A new entrant has to pass psychological tests to see his degree of craziness. He is asked to draw the first thing he can think off.
He give back a clean sheet of paper.
"We asked you to draw something. I can't see anything on this sheet !" The guy don't hesitate for a second.
"Well, let me tell you two things.
First, I drawn a knife without a handle that is missing a blade. Secondly, you are holding my picture upside down."
-------------------------
A psychiatrist has been trying to cure, for twenty years, a man with a weird mental disorder. That poor man thought he was a corn kernel. and on and on it went, for twenty years.
And then one day, completely out of the blue... "Doctor... I'm not a corn kernel. I'm a human being !"
The good doctor nearly falls from his chair.
"God damn it, you did it after all those years ! Congrats, you are cured ! Have a good life !"
The guy goes away, happy like never before.
1 hour later. Phone call "Doctor, doctor, please help me !"
"what ?
"There is a hen near my home...
"What, don't forget: you are NOT a corn kernel ! You are a human being, and you know it ! You said it to me !"
"Yes, doctor but... does the hen realizes and knows, I'm not a corn kernel ?"
----------
Big Bang experts have found evidence that communism predess God.
In those days only chaos reigned
In those days only chaos reigned
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When I yell at my wife, she gets down on her knees.
And he says: get out from under the bed!
And he says: get out from under the bed!
Rhinocrates
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Stalin, Khrushchev, and Brezhnev are on a train.
The train breaks down.
Stalin has the engineers shot as wreakers. The train does not move.
Khrushchev officially exonerates them. The train does not move.
Seeing this, Brezhnev pulls down the blind, looks straight ahead, and starts to go "Choo-choo, choo-choo..."
The train breaks down.
Stalin has the engineers shot as wreakers. The train does not move.
Khrushchev officially exonerates them. The train does not move.
Seeing this, Brezhnev pulls down the blind, looks straight ahead, and starts to go "Choo-choo, choo-choo..."
Rhinocrates
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Not a joke, but an observation. Dmitri Shostakovich was known for his sarcastic wit and putting what we'd call Easter eggs in his compositions, most famously the four-note sequence which in German notation is D-S-C-H, an abbreviation of his name (Bach did similar). In his 11th symphony, which commemorates the massacre at the Winter Palace in 1905, the arrival of Cossack troops to confront protesters is marked by low brass notes. Depending on the conductor, the sound is a sinister growl... or farts.
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