This is hilariously funny...

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That story happened in France, at the beginning of the 1600's...

Its Sunday, and a man in Paris come home from the Holy Mass at Notre Dame de Paris.

To his delight, he finds his wife has cooked a "chicken in a pot".

(this french dish, in case you wonder)
www.frenchtoday.com

La Poule Au Pot - French Chicken Recipe & Translation

Learn the recipe for the most traditional French chicken dish: "la poule au pot" and practice your French with this bilingual "recette"
www.frenchtoday.com www.frenchtoday.com

"Nice, you know how much I love that dish, darling." He says his wife. And together they take great pleasure eating it.

Then at the end of a perfect meal, his wife looks at him and says:

"I'm glad you enjoyed it so much.

"My pleasure. You are a damn fine cook, darling.

"Good. You know, our beloved King Henri IV has said recently "we should eat meat once a week to get stronger, with better health"; and since most meat is very unaffordable, he has advised to focuse on "Chicken in pot".
He is pretty smart: he knows that most of us poor peasants only have hens and roosters and chickens as meat. No other option."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_IV_of_France

The guy is worried, then baffled.

"Wait a minute. I know you... and I can see where this is going. Does this mean you gonna cook chicken-in-a-pot every single damn Sunday in the future ?"

"Well surely I will, since our beloved king said so. If he said to do that, it must be a good thing to do: he is a good King, I admire him, and so I will do exactly as he said."

"Oh gosh... well we shall see." he says his wife defiantly and angrily. He already knows she won't budge, but there is always way to negociate.

No ?

No. And thus every single damn Sunday over the next decades, he came home every Sunday and every Sunday was goddam Chicken-in-a-pot on the table.

Needless to say, he ended truly hating the damn thing. He just couldn't stand it anymore. Only the thought, only the sight, angered him greatly.
But go tell the wife ! He fought bitterly, and lost every time. She wouldn't change the meal, ever, because she truly admired freakkin' King Henri IV.

And on and on it went. Until that fateful other Sunday, in the glory month of May. It was sunny and warm, a wonderful day, and the man felt more optimistic than ever about the future.

And he dared to think "Maybe... maybe the wife got it at least. And cooked something else. Who knows ?"

And thus he came back home, from holy mass at Notre Dame de Paris.

Only to find "Chicken in a pot" on his table.

All of sudden, it was too much. He felt anger explode inside him. His eye started twitchin uncontrollably.
And he blew a fuse, started screaming, wrecked the table, and angrily threw the fucking dish by the window.
...but it wasn't enough: he was well beyond the breaking point.

Something else had to be done.

Something had to give. To pay, for all those years of FUCKING CHICKEN-IN-A-POT.

And then it dawned on him, like an evidence. Eureka !

He brutally pushed aside his baffled and very angried wife. Ran to the kitchen, and took a huge knife.

Before she could say a word he was gone, furiously running away via the back door: into the streets of Paris, with his huge knife on hand, menacing, screaming, running like crazy.

His wife was evidently furious. She ran after him, but he was already gone.

So she stood on her door treshold and angrily shouted from the top of her lungs:

"FRANCOIS RAVAILLAC ! COME BACK HOME YOU UGLY BASTARD - WE HAVE TO TALK !!"

en.wikipedia.org

François Ravaillac - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org
 
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I was wasting my time watching downfall parodies on Youtube...

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RElwKjgn490


"Bring me Fegelein ! Fegelein, FEGELEIN !!"

And then the silly thing brought back, and MIXED WITH, childhood memories of a singing Sylvester the cat, ruining Elmer Fudd nights.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcnGbugF04U


And now I have this horror vision, stuck in my mind. Of Hitler singing "Fegelein" instead of "Figaro" like goddam Sylvester...

"Feeeeegelein...(dodge various flying objects) Fegelein, Fegelein, Fegelein, Fegelein, Fegelein Fegelein, Fegelein...

"Fegelein ?" (timidly)

(Grand finale) "FEEEEEEEGEEEEELEIIIIIIN !!" (takes a shoe into his ugly face)
 
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Archibald said:
"Bring me Fegelein ! Fegelein, FEGELEIN !!"
Click to expand...
The story behind it
Hermann Fegelein was Liaison officer of SS to Hitler in Berlin
the SS last thing that Hitler trusted in end phase of war
but Fegelein had other plans and as Himmler “betrayed“ Hitler
Fegelein was arrested and ironic executed by Fanatic SS officers
 
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I swear we have just crossed a village with the name of Cheval Mort - DEAD HORSE. Also Douaville - Fingertown.
 
1634977327159


A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake. The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening.

Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "We have a winner!!!".

After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !!!"

His wife smiled and said coldly: "It was me!"

Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push"
 
Bob gets stopped for speeding one day by a sheriff's deputy. The deputy walked to Bob's car and asked to see his driver's license. Bob said, "Deputy I can't show you my license." "Why not," asked the deputy? "It's expired, and if I show it to you, I'll get a ticket," said Bob. So the deputy said, "Show me your proof of insurance." Bob said, "I can't do that, either." Again, the deputy asked why, and Bob replied, "It's in the glove box, and I also have a loaded gun in there. If you see the gun, I'll have to pay a huge fine." The deputy is getting really suspicious by now, and tells Bob to open the trunk. Bob said, "I can't do that." The deputy once again asks why, and Bob says, "I have a suitcase full of illegal drugs in there, and I don't want to go to jail." By now the deputy is getting angry, and tells Bob he's calling the sheriff, and to stay in his car until the sheriff arrives. Soon the sheriff arrives, and after being briefed by the deputy, walks up to Bob's car and demands to see his driver's license. Bob complies, and the sheriff sees it's current. The sheriff then demands to see proof of insurance, which Bob retrieves from the glove box, while the sheriff observes closely. It's also current, and the sheriff didn't see any gun in the glove box. The sheriff then orders Bob to open the trunk, and then tells him to open the suitcase. Bob does as directed and all that's found are clothes and personal belongings. With a puzzled look on his face, the sheriff says to Bob, "My deputy said your license is expired, but it isn't. He also said you had a gun in the glove box, but there isn't one." Then the sheriff said the deputy told him there was a suitcase full of illegal drugs in the trunk, but the only thing in the suitcase was clothes and personal belongings. Then the sheriff said, "I'm really confused." Bob replied, "I suppose next you're gonna tell me that big liar also said I was speeding!"
 
A good one, quite similar.

In a mental asylum, the Chief and his deputy are on a visit. The Deputy tells his boss
"That room is pretty amazing. All the nuts here think they are Napoleon Bonaparte. Look."
He opens the door and surely enough, all the guys there are Napoleon clones and wanabee: the ridiculous hat, the hand on the belly, the grandiloquent catchprases, Arcole, Corsica, Waterloo, Austerliz, Josephine... they know their Napoleon by heart.

"Ain't that remarquable ?" the Deputy says. "So much culture and energy wasted for nothing. Indeed, they remain, fundamentally, nuts. Don't try telling them, they can't be Napoleon because there was only one, died in 1821 in St Helena at the hand of British guards. I did tried to argue: NO WAY." the deputy says. "I only got;: LIES, LIAR ! I AM the one and only Napoléon !"

To which the Asylum Director answers. "Ah, sure they are nuts, there is no question about it."

He close the door and adds quietly "They are nuts, and they are impostors, indeed.
Because everybody knows the real Napoleon... is MYSELF !"
 
One talented psychologist is visited by a man entirely convinced he is a bird.

"Can you cure me ?

"Well, no, you do know you can't be a bird. Just accept the reality and move on."

"Ok then." say the guy. He perches on the window frame - and quietly flies away.

Next patient is a man convinced he is a corn seed. Go figure. That one, the psychologist has tried to cure for 25 years... to no avail. The blasé psychologist tries once again.
And then some miracle happens !
"Heck, yes, I'm no freakkin' corn seed. I am a HUMAN BEING !"

The psychologist nearly falls from his chair, then happily says "Congrats, after so many years, you are CURED ! A new life is awaiting you."

One hour later however, the poor guy phone him in a state of panic.

"Doctor, there is a hen in the garden - on my front door !

"Come on, you are no corn seed, remember - you've just told me.

"Sure, I'm no corn seed. But how does the hen knows ? Will she realizes it ?"
 
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The brand new secretary for health knows nothing about the job so he goes of and visits every single hospital in the country.

At the first hospital on the list he gets to the last department which is the mental health ward and is greeted by the Chief of medical staff who tells him of a new test they have for patients and the secretary say's, "Don't just tell me show me so I can see your work in action".

The doc shows him into a bathroom with a bath full of cold water, next to it is a soup ladle, a serving spoon and a teaspoon. "This is the test, what do you think the solution is".

The secretary takes the ladle and starts removing the water into the sink and say's, "This has to be the solution it's the biggest spoon".

Doc looks at him and shakes his head slowly, "No, you plonker, you take the ruddy plug out. Now, which bed do you want".
 
An old Billy Connelly joke
Quote
The Queen visits a Scottish army hospital and visits ward A. Inside is a Scots soldier lying on his front with a cage and a blanket over his bum. The Queen turns to the Sergeant Major who is escorting her through the hospital and asks:
“Sergeant, what is this soldier in hospital for?”
"Ma'am he is suffering from a terrible case of piles."
"Oh dear" replies the Queen "And what’s the treatment for that?"
"Wire brush and Dettol three times a day".
Turning to the soldier she asks " And do you have any ambition left in life?"
"Aye Ma'am, I want tae beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve my Queen and Country" he replies
"That's very commendable of you " she says and pins a medal of honour on his bum.

She moves onto the second patient and asks the Sergeant Major “What is this man in for?"
“I’ve no sympathy for this man, a self-inflicted wound, he has a venereal disease.”
"And what’s the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day, Ma’am".
Turning to the soldier she asks " And do you have any ambition left in life?"
"Aye Ma'am, I want tae beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve my Queen and Country" he replies
"That's very commendable of you " she says and pins a medal of honour on his chest.

She moves onto the last patient and asks him “What are you in hospital for?"

The soldier replies in a croaky voice "Tonsillitis"
The Queen, quite relieved asks "And what’s the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day ma'am "comes the croaky reply"
"Oh, but isn’t that awfully painful?" She gasps.
"Whatever it takes to beat this affliction and get back to serving My Queen And Country" He Says Proudly
"And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" she asks.
"Aye," the man replies "I like to get the Wire brush and Dettol before those two other dirty bastards!!!"
Click to expand...
 
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